The Oceano man arrested Saturday morning (11-13-99) at the Santa Barbara bus station may be the first local person to be publicly tangled in the World Wide Web. For those of you who didn’t catch the headline Monday, William Robert O’Brien of Oceano, age 43, allegedly used the Internet to solicit sex from someone who he thought was a 14 year-old girl. He mailed her a bus ticket that would enable her to travel to Santa Barbara for a sexual encounter, and was apparently met by an FBI agent, not the teenager he was expecting. Agents subsequently searched his Pier Avenue home for computer records. If convicted, he could receive up to 30 years in prison and a fine.
Why is cybersex increasing at such a dizzying rate in our society – yes, even in bucolic San Luis Obispo county? For over twenty years I’ve been working with people struggling with all kinds of addiction, from alcohol to drugs to sex addiction, an area that I specialize in. I am convinced that in the next twenty years the information age is going to lead to a more dramatic change in all of our lives than in any comparable period in history. Simply put, the computer’s provision of instant gratification combined with privacy has brought astonishing new challenges to those of us who strive to help human beings live in “Real Life Time” (RLT). Virtual living via the Internet spins an increasing number of people into isolation and alienation every day.
In 1998 the San Francisco Chronicle reported that use of the Internet is doubling every 100 days. Of the estimated 9 million adults who access the internet daily, 33% have visited sexually explicit sites. Many experts say that viewing explicit sexual stimuli (also known as Scotophilia is the number one sexual activity in the U.S. today. I know, I know, many of you reading this are dubious, and shaking your heads. The majority of us are not sexually compulsive, and we can safely view an occasional sex site with few negative results. But for a minority, this is simply not true.
Cybersex compulsives can now access “live video streaming”, in which a live person (usually a young female) will perform to verbal commands given by the viewer. I recently spoke to a young woman from the Los Angeles area who had worked for a while as an exotic dancer. She’s now a “streamer”, earning 10 times the money she earned dancing. She raves about her new work, appreciating in particular the fact that “this is a hell of a lot safer — no one’s groping me or waiting at the back door!”
Researcher Al Cooper Ph.D. believes that women are highly at risk from both sides of cyber space, because the perceived security of privacy and increased sense of control and comfort are particularly important to them. Our country has the highest worldwide percentage of women online, and many will turn to Computer Mediated Communication (CMC) when they don’t feel confident enough to attempt face to face communication in the real world. A typical example would be the overweight woman who frequents chat rooms for people who “like ‘em big.”
Anonymity, Accessibility, and Affordability are, according to Cooper, the three factors that “turbocharge” our attraction to computer mediated communication. The “anonymity” that draws many users to cyber space is fragile at best. Sex sites many feel anonymous, but many net encounters leave traces on the participants’ hard drives, which is probably what the FBI searched for this week in O’Brien’s home. There is no arguing, however, with accessibility. What other form of sexual gratification is available 7 days per week, 24 hours per day? In my work with sex addicts we identify “triggers” or certain kinds of stimuli that might spark or inspire “acting out”. At times inconvenience (getting in the car and driving to a motel or even to Diamond World) can serve as a deterrent. If the client has been calling strippers he can refrain from reading the listings, or picking up the phone. Cybersex is always at your fingertips. Affordability factors in as well, because while most real life sexual compulsive acting out can be expensive, cybersex is not!
To return to our recently arrested neighbor, what about pedophiles — the adults (usually heterosexual males) who prey on children and young teens? The internet is a haven for sexual predators, and the vast majority will not be caught in the FBI stings. Many children have access to their parents’ computers and can find their way into chatrooms and other places where they can become prey to unscrupulous adults looking for titillation but masquerading as friends.
Men and women make different cybersex choices, with men most often choosing websites featuring visual erotica and women favoring chatrooms. Cooper’s research found over 9.6 million visitors to the top ten sexually related websites, with XPICS the 19th most visited site. It’s far more difficult to log number of visitors to chat rooms, and I personally think that they are the place of highest risk for both men and women. In my practice I see many similarities between gambling and cybersex addicts. Just like at the Chumash casino, someone logging onto the Net enters a world of lights, color, adrenaline, intrigue, and excitement, with risk added to spike the brew. In addition, there are no clocks or windows in casinos or on the Internet, so any sense of time is blurred if not lost. The cybersex-addict is interacting, engaged and involved, and what’s more compelling than sex or the promise of sexual release or (usually for women) “true love”?
I want to be very clear that I am not criticizing the Internet across the board. For example, for sexual or gender identity minorities it is a godsend. Where else can a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individual “connect” with thousands of others that empathize and truly understand? I know many transsexual people whose lives have been positively transformed by the Net. The virtual community can be just that – a place where people of like mind can share their lives and experience.
An overwhelming majority of the people surveyed by Cooper last year (91.7%) spend under 11 hours per week in online sexual pursuits, with almost half spending less than 60 minutes per week . And 87% report never feeling guilty or ashamed about their online activity. But what about the minority that are caught in compulsive sexuality on the Web?
Help is available for out of control users. These practical steps include interventions and stopping the behavior, followed by relapse prevention and supporting abstinence. For some people (e.g. those who must use a computer at their workplace) these steps will be more difficult, but counseling or affinity groups can provide the support that is necessary to break the pattern. Since romantic and marital relationships are almost always effected, marriage counseling can be useful, but most cyber addicts begin with individual therapy to get to the cause of their problems.
Isolation and secrecy fuel the type of activity that led to Saturday’s sting. If you suspect that anyone you care about is caught in the Web, please encourage them to reach out and ask for help that is Real Time, not Virtual. As E.M. Forster wrote, “Only connect.”
Jill V. Denton is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in counseling people who struggle with addiction. She has specialized training in sexual addiction and cybersex and their effect on family life. She works by telephone with clients across the country, as well as locally in her Los Osos office.